Self-Preservation Mode: ON

"i'd like to believe that we have to go through the heartaches, disappointments and false starts in order to be clearer about who we are and what we want.. but, it's also possible we were better at love when we knew less. maybe it's time to stop analyzing, stop growing up and just enjoy..."

Mishy sent that message to me a long time ago but I never really appreciated it 'til recently. It's true, it really is.

We learn a lesson with each failed relationship, broken heart or disappointment. After some time, we start to think that we've gone through so much suffering and start believing that we know everything. We believe that we are wiser when it comes to the ways of the world. We often tell our friends how glad we are that we've recovered and how we escaped unscathed. But are we wiser? Did we escape without any battle scars? Really?

The older we get and the more disappointments we have endured, the more cynical we become. If you don't believe me, then you're still in denial, my friend.

There's cynicism, realism and then there's optimism.

Which one applies to you? Which one do I project? I honestly don't know... I thought I knew everything and was finally working things out in my head. You all know how impulsive I was and how I never held anything back for love. I never thought, I just felt. I was such a huge mess after my 6-year relationship ended. I fell apart and thought the pain would kill me. I swore to everyone that I will recover in record time, learn my lesson and never again let my heart rule. In short, I will start using my head and I did. At least, I tried to. Oh, how I thought about every single thing and analyzed every situation. The irony of it all is that people are now telling me "stop thinking and just enjoy today. don't worry about tomorrow. carpe diem" because they care and feel that I am driving myself insane.

The truth of it all is that I'm scared. Yes, me. I am constantly looking out for myself and trying really hard not to be the person that I was a year ago. The person that I was loved freely with no questions asked and look at where she got me. I'm supposed to know everything, be wiser now that I am older but deep inside, I'm starting to wonder. I hide behind everything I've learned and use all that knowledge to keep my heart safe. Each gesture is met with suspicion and my actions, calculated. Everyone is now a suspect and trust is hard to come by. Does that make me wiser? Does it make me safe?

My heart is screaming "NO!" but my mind is drowning it out with reassurances that I am better off this way. Nevertheless, it makes me feel cheated. People around me live their lives hiding. They put price tags on their love and demand security or equal affection in return. They compare their past and present, set up criteria, measure affection and love with reservations.

"I love you but I love myself more"

"If you loved me you would..."

We are more concerned for our well-being than that of the other person. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am still all out for using the brain, especially since we need it for fully committing to another person. What I am against is when we use our brains more for our sake than that of the other party. I am against it when we calculate risks and walk out when we feel that we won't profit from the relationship.

Tell me, are there really any guarantees? Can you look me in the eye and assure me that your past mistakes will save you from heartache? That getting married will ensure you a happy, worry-free and a full of love existence for as long as you live?

Love was never meant to be cut up in portions nor was it supposed to be held in check. Children loved and trusted just about anyone. Do them wrong and they can easily forgive you without any reservations. Perhaps, we were better at love when we knew less...

I just wish I weren't so scared. Maybe then I'll find love again.

j'ai envie de dormir, mais je ne peux pas. je n'y arrive pas! dis-moi ce que tu m'as fait?